x^..««v>a International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and th( 

nited States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors. 
PS 635 

c»: . No. 207. I 

.,•• A 

I THE FRENCH MAID AND I 

I THE PHONOGRAPH I 

9 $ 

$ at 5^Iap in <©ne aict | 

S MADALENE D. BAMUM $ 

W AUTHOR OF "our AUNT FROM CALIFORNIA" 2 

S J 

W CoPYRHiHi, 1911, Hv Samuel French ^ 

V ^ 

J All Rights Reserved J 

V 4 

Z A 

S PRICE, 25 CENTS 2 

w 4 



^ New York 

3J SAMUEL FRENCH 

iJJ PUBLISHERS 

V 28- 30 West 38TH Street 



LONDON J 

SAiMU EL FRENCH Ltd. S 

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Strand J 



>»»>»»>»>»»^5>»^^>^^>^^>^^^»^»»»»»>5^ 



THE FRENCH MAID AND 
THE PHONOGRAPH 

H ipia^ in ®ne Bet 



MADALENE D. BARNUM 

AUTHOR OF "OUR AUNT FROM CALIFORNIA" 



Copyright, 1911, by Samuel French 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

publisher 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 



4 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

today, you can no longer regard me as a child, I am 
a young lady now. Did you — er — notice anything ? 
{showing her hah' arranged m latest fashion) 

Mrs. Green. Yes — I notice, {puttifig her hand 
on Flossie's head) 

Flossie {ducking). Ouch ! Oh, please don't touch 
it 1 The hairpins stick in awfully. I suppose that's 
because I'm not used to them yet. 

Mrs. Green {smili?ig). No doubt, {sitting beside 
he?) Well, my dear young lady, what do you suppose 
I'm going to give you for your birthday ? (Flossie 
looks ijiterested.) I thought and thought, and I could 
not decide what you would like. I remembered in the 
fairy-tales, when the fairy godmother makes a birthday 
present, she generally gives a wish. So that's what 
I'm going to give you, Flossie, — a birthday wish. 
Only — as I am just a plain mother instead of a fairy 
godmother, your wish must not cost over ten dollars. 
Also, because, my dear daughter, you are sometimes 
hasty and do things you are sorry for, I want you to 
consult me in making your choice. Take time to think 
now, and wish for what you would like best. If I 
approve, I'll give it to you at once. 

Flossie {embracing Mrs. Green). Oh, mother ! 
how lovely 1 A birthday wish ! What fun ! And 
you'll certainly approve of my choice, for I'll think 
about it ever so carefully ! 

Mrs. Green. That's right, my dear, and I'm going 
to make you, besides — guess what ! 

Flossie. I know — a birthday cake. 

Mrs. Green. Yes. {Going.) Clear up everything 
off the floor now, and Flossie, put every bit of that 
paper and string in the scrap-basket and then go 
carry it to the kitchen coal-scuttle. \_Exit. 

Flossie {with expression of distaste). Kitchen coal- 
scuttle ! How I hate the mention of such things ! So 
menial ! Me, a young lady, sent to dump rubbish in 
the kitchen coal-scuttle ! (Putting presents on the 
side -table and papers in the basket. The papers appear 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 5 

soiled a7id torn and she touches them with two finger- 
tips ofily.) Lotta Ay res never works. She is a real 
lady. She says she has a French maid to wait on 
her, — one named Antoinette- m-m-m ! Mustn't that 
be grand ! Oh, if mother were a fairy godmother 
that's what I'd wish for ! A French maid ! Now just 
supposing — {She falls to musing, the papers fall from 
her fingers. She steps forward with mincing gait, a?id 
speaks in manner of a grand lady giving orders.) An- 
toinette, my vinaigrette ! {pretends to receive vinaigrette 
from imaginary maid and smells it affectedly.) Antoinette, 
my fan! {similar business.) MoiA.\¥. enters unperceived, 
a7id listens with surprise changing to amuse7nent. Flossie, 
with quick change to statural lively man7ier, 7-u7is a7id 
places handkerchief on floor, retur7is to place, resumes 
stiff nia7i7ier, poi7tti7ig to it.) Antoinette, my mouchoir 1 
{trips over in ma/mer of airish F7'ench maid, picks up 
ha7idkerchief a7id p7-esents it with a cu7-tsey. Tur7is 
arotmd, cha7iges to stiff man7ier of mistress receivi7ig 
ha7idke7'chief. She sits la7iguidly. Mollie gets a sofa 
pillow well g7-ipped by 07ie cor7ier and approaches behind 
on tiptoe.) Antoinette, there is a fly on my nose. It 
annoys me. Fan it away, Antoinette. {Bead back 
la7iguidly, eyes closed. Mollie suddeiily strikes her 
lightly on the face with the pillow, with shout of laughter.) 

Flossie {springi7ig up furiously). Mollie Green, 
you— you — {clioki7ig and shaki7ig finger vehei7iently at 
Mollie). 

Mollie {i7nitati7ig Flossie). Antoinette, my skeeter- 
net 1 Antoinette, pass the chow-chow 1 Tickle my 
chin, Antoinette ! 

Flossie {walking about t7yi7ig to stop he7'). You 
stop — oh, you mean, mean, mean thing 1 {starts to run 
from roo7n.) 

Mollie {7vith laughter). Carry my train, Antoinette ! 
{run7ii7ig behi7id a7id catchi7ig Flossie by the skirt.) 

Flossie (facing about). Will you leave me alone ? 

Mollie. Oh, if you knew how funny you looked, 
pretending you had a lady's- maid ! 



6 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

Flossie. What is so funny about that, I'd like to 
know. I am a young k\dy, am I not? Why shouldn't 
I have a lady's-maid to wait on me ? 

MoLLiE {with upraised ha?ids). Listen to that I 
And at present we haven't even a cook 1 I know who 
puts these silly ideas in your head,— your rich friend, 
Miss Lotta Ayres. Oh, Flossie, I can't bear to see 
you imitate that horrid, stuck-up girl ! 

Flossie. I know what's the matter wdth you — you're 
jealous, because she's my most intimate friend. 

MoLLiE. Oh, I am — I am jealous of Lotta Ayres ! 
you think of no one but her. You try to be like her 
in every way. She has a French maid, you want one, 
too. She calls a handkerchief a mouchoir. you do, 
too. You even try to fix your hair like hers {pointing) 
— funny enough it looks, too ! You never used to 
think of such things. Before Lotta Ayres came around, 
you were so different, — you and I were always together 
— don't you remember ? — And so happy ? Oh, Flossie, 
you don't know^ how lonesome I am, when you go off 
with Lotta all the time, and never stay with your own 
sister any more ! 

Flossie. How unreasonable you are, Mollie ! You 
are a mere child. I can't help growing up, can I ? 
Can I play with a mere child and me grown up ? My 
friend. Miss Ayres is my own age, and it is only 
natural for us older ones to be together. 

Mollie {stoutly). I'm only two years younger than 
you ! 

Flossie. True. And for two years more you'll 
have to wear a pigtail 1 And as long as you wear pig- 
tails, you are a mere child. 

Mollie {dejectedly). Always the way ! Snubbed, 
squelched, sat on and told I'm a mere child ! Some 
day I'll get my revenge for all this. {Bell rings and 
Flossie 7'uns eagerly to the door). There she is now, 
I suppose. I ha — a — ate Lotta Ayres ! 

{Enter Lotta.) 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 7 

LOTTA. Ah— cherie— so happy ! Let me give you 
a French kiss, {kisses Flossie effusively on both cheeks) 
Bon jour, mon enfant, {chucking Mollie's chi?i). 

MoLLiE {stiffly). I don't understand French, Miss 
Ayres. 

FYossiE {taking Lotta's hat and placing it on hat- 
rack). Lotta does. She speaks French Uke a born 
Parisian, don't you, Lotta ? 

Lotta. Well, perhaps that is saying too much. 
(Flossie and Lotta sit lovingly.) 

MoLLiE. Well, Flossie doesn't anyway. So you 
can't talk French to her, and I'm going to stay right 
here and listen to all your secrets (takes chair close 
to them.) 

Flossie {afmoyed). Oh, Mollie ! 

Lotta. L'enfant terrible ! Such a pity you don't 
speak French, Flossie dear 1 Why don't you learn ? 

Flossie. Oh, I wish I could ! I'd love to learn 
French. But never mind Mollie. To-day's my birth- 
day, Lotta. 

Lotta. Is it ? 

Flossie. And mother has promised me a birthday 
wish. I can have anything I wish for— subject to her 
approval of course— and it must not cost over ten 
dollars. 

Lotta. Really ! 

Flossie. Lotta ! How much does a French maid 

cost ? 

Lotta. A French maid 1 

Flossie. I'd rather have one like your Antoinette 
than anything else. Could I get one for ten dol- 
lars? 

Lotta. Oh, you little ingenue ! {laughs) You might 
hire one for a week perhaps. 

Flossie {with interest). A week ? 

Mollie {jumpi?ig up and gettijig a book). Oh, 
Flossie, I haven't given you my present yet. Here it 

is. 

Flossie {pleased). A book of views of Paris 1 



8 THE FRENCH MAIU AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

MoLLiE. Just what you said you wanted ! {Jiappily) 
Now you'll be good to me. 

Flossie. Indeed 1 will, Mollie dear. See, Lotta ! 
It is you who got nie interested in Paris, and here are 
pictures of all the places you have described to me. 
Do you remember these places, Lotta ? 

Lotta. Well, I should say so ! There's the dear 
old Louvre, and the Eiffel Tower, — yes, and the boule- 
vard where I useu to drive. How familiar it looks! 
{turning page) And I declare here's the very house I 
lived in, 

Flossie {pointing with interest). The very house 
you lived in ! 

Mollie {looking closely). What's this fine print 
underneath? "The Morgue." Good gracious, did 
you live at the morgue, Lotta ? 

Lotta (much out of countefiance) Certainly not ! 
Er — er — they must have labeled the pictures wrong. 
{turning page). Oh, how these pictures bring it all 
back to me ! Ah, there's no place like la belle Paree. 
The shops ! The theaters ! The cafes ! And do 
you know, everywhere I went they took me for a 
Frenchwoman. 

Flossie. Your accent must be perfect. 

Lotta. That's what they all said. 1 remember 
my first ball in Paris. They called me " La Belle 
Parisienne ! " My partners were so charming, — mostly 
dukes and lords, you know— and one especially, Flossie, 
oh, such things as he said to me ! I would tell you 
every word, but— er — {glances significantly at Mollie 
and touches lips with finger), 

Mollie {eagerly^. Do go on ! It was love-making, 
I know. I'm not too young to hear such things — I'm 
fourteen. 

Lotta {touching Mollie's braid teasingly). A mere 
child ! Some other time, Flossie. 

Flossie. Mollie Green, how can you hang around 
where you see you're not wanted ! 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 9 

MoLLiE {rising and stajnping). Oh, you are so 
mean to me ! {rushes out of the room). 

LoTTA. Don't apologize for her, Flossie clear. Fll 
overlook anything- for your sake. 

Flossie. How sweet of you ! {They embrace). 
Now, do go on. 

LoTTA. Well, he was a young army officer, in a 
full-dress uniform, you know, and he asked me to 
promenade with him in the conservatory. And I said 

" Pourquoi non, Monsieur ? And soon we were 
strolling among the priceless orchids. {Bell rings). 

Flossie. Oh, bother 1 Excuse me a moment, 
Lotta {goes to door, Lotta exatnines books in cup- 
board. Enter Madam Renard carrying large boxes. 

Madam Renard. Par-r-rdon, Mademoiselle. Ze 
English, I speak not well. I have here zis arteekle to 
sell. Et ees gr-r-rand phonograph. See. I show 
you. {rapidly setting up phonograph on the table). 

Flossie. No — oh no — we don't want any 

Madam Renard. But wait — see— I show you- 



Flossie. No, no, we don't want any phonograph. 
None of us care for that kind of entertainment, at all 1 

Madam Renard, Non — non ! 'tees not for enter- 
tain—not for entertain. I am Madam Renard. Have 
you not hear of ze Renard system to teach you ze 
French ? 

Flossie {astofiished). What? 

Madam Renard. But yes. By Renard system you 
learn ze French wizout a master. Ze phonograph is 
ze French master par excellence. See. Here I have 
box of records— yes — entiare series of lessons. You 
put in ze record — wind up ze box — Voici ! You' 
French master. He say ze French— You say after 
heem— Fine ! Gr-r-rand ! Soon you speak like one 
born Parisienne. And all for ten dollaires ! 

Flossie. Ten dollars ! Lotta ! Say, look at this ! 
(Lotta puts down a book and comes toward them.) 

Lotta. What is it, love ? A book agent ? 

Flossie. Why, this is a Frenchwoman, and she 



10 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

wants to sell me a phonograph to teach me French. 
You see the idea ? She has a set of records of French 
exercises, the phonograph pronounces them — the 
student repeats them. What do you think of that, 
Lotta ? 

LoTTA {uneasily). Why — er 

Madam Renard. {to Lotta) Maybe you also 
wish to learn ze French ? 

Flossie. Oh no ! She speaks French already. 
She's been to Paris and speaks like a native. 

Madam Renard. {eagerly to Lotta.) Parle vous 
Fran^ais, M'amselle ? 

Lotta {confused). Er — ye — er— oui. 

Madam Renard {rapidly with gestures). O ecoutez 
done ^ ma machine et vous la recommendera k coup 
sur. Elle est merveilleuse ! Elle a reussi partout. 
Ne voulez-vous pas dire un mot en ma faveur ? 

Lotta {nervously). Er — oui — er — Flossie ! She's 
going to set it going. Run and ask your mother to 
come and hear it too. Go on, right away. 

Flossie {going). All right, 1 will. I'd love to 
have it. {Exit.) 

(Lotta closes the door after her.) 

Lotta. Say ! I cannot speak French. 

Madam Renard But your friend say you speak 

Lotta. I know it — she thinks I can, but I can't. 
See? It's a- it's a sort of a joke. Don't tell -will 
you ? 

Madam Renard. Not speak ze French ! I know 
not for why you make ze pretend. Why for you lie ? 

Lotta. Why, it was this way. I'm poor. See ? 
And in the summer vacation, when the other girls all 
went to summer resorts, I had to work in a milliner's 
shop. See ? And I did not want any of my school- 
mates to know it, so I told them all I had gone to 
Paris. 

Madam Renard. You have nevaire been zere ? 

Lotta. No. 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. H 

Madam Renard {laughing). Ho ! ho 1 ho I And 
you know not any French ? 

LoTTA. Oh, just a few expressions I picked up 
from the forelady in the shop. She was a French 
mihiner, and she used to talk about Paris, and that's 
what put it in my head to pretend I had been there 
and learned the language. Don't tell on me, will you ? 
I'm not doing any harm, am I ? I'm just having a 
little fun. What good would it do you to tell ? Just 
keep still like a good soul and I'll give you — {fumbles 
in purse) I'll give you — here's twenty cents, {offers it) 
I would give you more, but it's all I've got. 

Madam Renard {with gesture of rejection^. Non, 
non, M'mselle — I want not zat. Non I But {beckon- 
ing and speaking confidefitially) we make a little bar- 
r-r-gain. I keep secr-ret for you, and you persuade 
your friend to buy my phonograph of me. Com- 
prenez ? You oblige me — I oblige you. 

LoTTA. You mean if I get Mrs. Green to buy your 
phonograph, you promise not to tell that I cannot speak 
French ? 

Madam Renard. Oui, oui ! 

LoTTA. I'll certainly do my best, Madam Renard. 
But what if she will not ? What if I fail to persuade 
her? 

Madam Renard. Ef zey buy hem not {pointing to 
phonograph^ I'll show zem, Miss, zat you are one 
beeg fr-r-raud ! {laughs craftily.) 

{Enter Flossie.) 

Flossie. Mother's coming in a moment. 

LoTTA. Tell her you want the phonograph for your 
birthday wish. 

Flossie. Shall I ? I was going to wish for a French 
maid for a week. 

LoTTA. Oh, that's perfectly foolish, Flossie. Just 
think of being able to speak French ! 

Flossie. Ye-e-s, but I did so want a French ma 

LoTTA {suppressing exclamation of impatience). Oh, 



12 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

you little — Dearest, why should you not have both ? 
Ask for this first, and afterwards I'll persuade your 
mother to get you a maid too 1 

Flossie. Truly? I'd love to have both the French 
maid and the phonograph. 

LoTTA. Then do what I say ! 

{E titer Mrs. Green, rubbing her spectacles.) 

Mrs. Green. Is this it ? 

LoTTA. Good afternoon, Mrs. Green. 

Mrs. Green. Oh, how d'y' do, Miss Ayres. What 
do you think of this thing anyway ? 

LoTTA. 'Tis wonderful, Mrs. Green. I have just 
been examining it and the lessons have evidently been 
prepared by University professors. They are positively 
the correctest French I ever heard — er — that is — I 
mean 

Mrs. Green. How much is it ? 

Madam Renard. Onlee ten dollaires. 

LoTTA. So cheap 1 {aside, nudgiftg Flossie) Ask 
for it 1 

Flossie. Mother, I choose this for my birthday 
wish. May I have it ? 

LoTTA. Your mother will surely approve ! Such 
an opportunity ! Such an accomplishment ! Oh, 
Flossie, you lucky girl ! 

Mrs. Green. Not so fast -not so fast — I must 
consider, my dear. How do we know it is a good 
machine ? I don't know anything about it — I'd want 
to try it — I'd want time 

Madam Renard. Par-r-don. If Madam please, I 
leave the phonograph on trial till five o'clock to-day. 
Let ze demoiselle try it, and when I return I know you 
will be persuade, {winking at Lottie.) 

Flossie. Oh, mother, may she leave it on trial ? 

Mrs. Green. There can be no objection to 
that. 

Flossie. Good, I'll show you, mother, how Til 
learn French. 

Madam Renard. See, here is the nombair one 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 13 

lesson. You put him here, so. (/;/ dumb show she ex- 
plaitis working of pho7wgraph to Flossie.) 

Mrs. Green {sitting wearily). You must excuse 
my apron, Miss Ayres. I've been in the kitchen. 
Our girl left. 

LoTTA. How trying, Mrs. Green ! 

Mrs. Green. She said not one of us had a silk 
petticoat tit to borrow. So she left. (Mollie enters 
with newspaper.) Is that the Evening World? Let 
me see if our advertisement is in. (Mollie hands 
paper.) Yes, here it is. (reads) " Wanted a girl. 
Family of three. Use of Morris chair in the kitchen, 
m-m-m — " 

Mollie (mischievously). Mother, Flossie wants a 
lady's-maid to wait on her. A French one named 
{imitating) An-toi-nette 1 

Flossie (turning from phonograph a fnoment). Yes, 
mother, couldn't I have a French maid ? 'Twould 
help me in learning French. 

Mrs. Green. Don't be silly, child, {sighing) But, 
dear knows, I'd be thankful to get any kind of a maid 
now. 

Phonograph. {As phonograph clicks^ all turn to 
listen. Madam Renard stands beside it in attitude of 
showman. Mollie Jumps and stares as if notici?ig it 
for the first time.) Click! Br-r-r — Lesson Number 
One — Renard System. Common expressions. Good 
day, bon jour. Good night, bonne nuit. Good, bien. 
Very good, tres bien. (Madam Renard stops it) 
Click! {The click is made on the stage by the one pre- 
tending to operate the phonograph. It is the signal for 
the voice behifid the scenes to begin or stop.) 

Madame Renard {presenting book Z^? Flossie). Now, 
M'amselle. Here it is in ze book. R-r-repeat it. 

Flossie {shyly hanging head— pause). Oh — er — I 
can't. 

Madam Renard and Lotta. Go on ! Try it. 

Flossie. I can't I Honestly, I can't make my first 
attempt before everybody. You all go away and I'll 



14 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

do it, and then when I get it learned, Pll call you to 
hear me. 

Madam Renard. Bien 1 Bon success ! {looking at 
LoTTA and wagging head significantly) I return five 
of ze clock. S^Exit. 

Mrs. Green {to Mollis, who is examining phono- 
graph). Come along, Mollie, and help me stone the 
raisins for the birthday cake. 

LoTTA. Dear Mrs. Green, may 1 not come along 
and help you also ? 

Mrs. Green {surprised). Why, yes, if you want to, 
{aside) She never was so attentive to me before. 
{aloud) Come, Mollie. 

Mollie {beside the phonograph). Say, what is this 
thing, anyway? 

LoTTA {drawing Mollie away). The most wonder- 
ful thing, my dear. Your mother is delighted with it. 
It is so clever, so ingenious, so scholarly, so 

{Exit Mrs. Green, Mollie and Lotta. Flossie, 
book in hand, starts phofwgraph.) 

Phonograph. Click ! Br-r- — Lesson Number 
One — Renard System. Common expressions. Good 
day, bon jour. Good night, bonne nuit. (Flossie stops 
it) Click 1 

Flossie {from book, in tifnid tones). Good day, baw 
jour. Good night, baw nuit. {Starts phofiograph.) 

Phonograph. Click ! Good, bien. Very good, 
tres bien. {Yi^ossi^ stops it.) Click! 

Flossie. Good, ban — ba — bang — . That's a dif- 
ficult sound. I'll hear that again, {turns machine back 
and starts it) 

Phonograph. Click 1 Good, bien ! Very good, 
tres bien. Click ! 

Flossie. Good, beyang. Very good, tresb'yang — 
yang — ya — . I don't get that exactly, {holds her nose) 
Beya — ya — That's a little better — ya^ — tray b'ya — 

{Enter Mollie.) 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 15 

MoLLiE {wonderingly) . Does the machine smell 
bad? 

Flossie {Jumpifig, annoyea). Oh, Mollie, go away ! 

MOLLIE, Mother sent me to say where did you put 
the cake pans ? 

Flossie. I don't know. 

Mollie. Then you've got to go and find them. 
You had them last. 

Flossie {putting doivn her book). Oh, bother! 
(gomg.) Mollie, don't you touch that phonograph, 
you'll break it. [£xit. 

Mollie. The idea! I guess I can look at it if I 
like ! Lotta keeps telling mother it is the wonder of 
the age. Where does the noise come from ? {/(fts it 
up to look under it.) Oh, it's heavy ! (drops it— fright- 
ened) Lands! I hope I haven't broken it! I'll start 
it going. {Starts it. Phonograph dicks but makes no 
- further sound) Oh, murder ! I've done it ! {clicks 
several times and listens, shakes the box and listens iji 
vain) It's broken ! It's broken ! What shall I do ? 
Flossie'll never forgive me. Oh, oh! {thinks) It can't 
be much hurt. If I could only get it repaired before 
anybody finds out. There is a repair shop around the 
corner, {picks up phonograph as if to run off with it) 

Flossie {calling without). No, Lotta. (Mollie 
halts) Not yet, Lotta. Wait till I study just a little 
longer. (Mollik in panic, returns phonograph to table). 

Mollie {hands to her head). Can't I think of some- 
thing — {seizes book) Wonder if I could — {opens book) 
It does not look hard to pronounce, {darts under table 
with book in hand as Flossie enters) 

Flossie. Now I must study hard. Where's my 
book ? I must have taken it to the kitchen. Never 
mind. I'll see if I can say it without. Now I'll start 
the phonograph, (starts it. It clicks and stops) 

Mollie {head appearing from under table-cover on the 
other side, book in hand. Beading and imitating voice 
of phonograph). Br-r-r — Common expressions. 
Good day, bun jower. Good night, bun noo-it. 



16 TBE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

Flossie {stopping the phonogi-aph with a click. Study- 
ing earnestly), (..ood day, bun jovver. Good night, 
bun noo-it {rapidly^. Good day, bun jower. Good 
night, bun noo-it, bun noo-it. {starting pho)iograph 
with a click) 

MoLLiE. Good, bean. Very good, tress bean. 

Flossie (r^/^(i//V/^). Good, bean. Very good, tre^ss 
bean. {Looking up with a smile) 1 think I'm getting 
it now. I'll have that hard part over again, {clicking) 

MoLLiE. Good, bean. Very good, tress bean. 

Flossie {clicking). Good, bean. Very good, tress 
bean {gleefully) It's getting easier and easier. I 
have no difficulty at all now. I believe at first I didn't 
hear it right, {clicking) 

MoLLiE. Do you speak French ? Poll vooz Frank 
ice ? 

Flossie {clicking). Poll vooz Frank ice? Poll vooz 
Frank ice ? Oh, yes, I Frank ice all right. Bean. 
Tress bean. Poll vooz Frank ice ? Ha ! ha ! I'm 
not so slow once I put my brains to work {tappi?ig her 
forehead co?tceitedly). Poll vooz Frank ice ? Do you 
speak French ? Poll vooz 

{E?tter Mrs. Green.) 

Mrs. Green. Well, how are you getting along ? 

Flossie {beaming). Oh, splendidly! At first I 
couldn't get the accent. But I persevered, and now 
it's just as easy 1 

Mrs. Green. And you really can learn French 
from it ? 

Flossie. Oh, yes, mother. Hear me I Bun jower 
(LoTTA enters, listens, and turns aside to co?iceal 
laughter). Bun noo-it. Bean, tress bean. Poll vooz 
Frank ice ? {Sees Lotta and pounces on her triumph- 
antly.) Bun jower, Lotta ! Bun jower I How's that ? 

Lotta {applauding). Bravo 1 What talent your 
daughter has, Mrs. Green ! You really must get her 
the phonograph ! 

Mrs. Green. You think she has a good accent ? 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 17 

LoTTA. Well — er — not perfect of course — but 



Flossie. Not perfect ? Why, Lotta, I say it just 
like the phonograph. Good day, bun jower. (Lotta 
puts handkerchief over mouth to hide laughter) Good 
night, bun noo-it. Now listen and compare, {clicking) 

MoLLiE. Good day, bun jower. Good night, bun 
noo-it. (Lotta suddenly stops laugJwig. Her jaw 
drops with amaze mefit) Good, bean. Very good, 
tress bean. Do you speak 

Lotta. Good heavens ! 

Flossie, {clicking). Oh, what is it ? {runs to Lotta). 

Lotta {gasping). Oh! What an accent ! 

MoLLiE {a side ^ groaning). Now it's coming ! 

Mrs. Green. Why, Miss Ayres, there's nothing 
the matter with the accent of the phonograph, is there ? 

Lotta {^recovering herself by an effort). Oh, no — 
no — not at all — no — what astonished me was that it 
{gulping) should speak so well. Its accent is so true, 
so pure, so exquisitely Parisian. 

MoLLiE {aside, blinking with surprise). Huh ? 

Lotta {in full swing). Oh, believe me, I thought 
I was listening to a countess at least. I think 1 never 
heard such cultivated enunciation except among the 
highest French aristocracy. (Mollie's face changes 
from blank amazement to p?'ide) 

Mollie (aside). Strikes me I must be a wonder! 

Flossie {with fully kindled enthusiasm). Mother, 
will you buy it for my present ? 

Mrs. Green. Yes, Flossie, I will. 

Flossie {embracing her). Oh, mother, I am so 
thankful I 

Lotta {sinking into a chair as if relieved). So am I. 

Mrs. Green. But put it away now, and go down 
stairs and ice the cake for me like a good girl. I'm 
going upstairs to take a nap. Don't call me for any- 
thing— not even {laughs 7vearily) if a servant girl should 
come. \^Exit. 

Flossie. I'll just lock up my phonograph in the 
Cupboard here, and hide the key behind the clock. 



18 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

MoUie, like all children, is meddlesome, you know. 
Oh, Lotta ! Do you think 1 speak well ? 

LoTTA. My dear, your accent is bean — tress bean ! 

{Exit Flossie a?id Lotta Unvai-d kitchen, arms aj'ound 
each other. ) 

MoLLiE {emerging^ strutting forward., swelling chest, 
cocking head, patting herself). Whew! {whistling) For 
a person who never saw a word of French before — 
{manner changes to puzzled wonder) how did I ever do 
it ? {thro7vs book on table and beco7nes energetic) Now 
I'll rush that machine to the repair shop and get it 
fixed and no one will ever know it was broken. {Gets 
it out quickly, locks cupboard agaiji and 7'eplaces key. 
Pausing once to smile complacently) " A countess at 
least! " My! /never knew I was sc smart ! {Rapidly 
puts on hat, takes door-key in her ha7id, picks up pho- 
nograph and runs out with it) 

{Enter Lotta searching.) 

Lotta. I can't make it out. I'm determined to 
find that book. It wasn't in the kitchen, that's sure. 
I can't believe it's French at all {sees book). Here it 
is ! {turfiing pages) Yes, it says it's French ! Well, it 
didn't sound a bit like — The French milliner pro- 
nounces entirely 

Flossie {enteri?ig). Can you find it ? 

Lotta. Yes, here it is. 

Flossie. Funny I didn't see it. Say, Lotta, you 
did persuade mother beautifully. And now^ are you 
going to persuade her to get me a French maid ? 

Lotta {decidedly). Excuse me ! I've had enough 
persuading for one day. 

Flossie. But, Lotta, you said 

Lotta {crossly^. Oh, be still ! Don't be such a 
tease ! 

Flossie {amazed). Why ! You promised 

luOTTt^ {controlling herself). So 1 did, love, but now 
I have a better plnn for you. If you want a lady's- 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 19 

maid, why not telephone to a servant's agency and 
order one ? .{indicating telephone) 

Flossie. But mother did not say I could. 

LoTTA. What she said was, " Dear knows I'd be 
ghid to have any kind of a maid, now." 

Flossie. So she did. — But 1 don't dare 

LoTTA. Ma foi, I'll do it for you. {consults ^ phone 
book) Hello. Give me Main 6-3-2 (Mollie enters 
and Jiangs up door-key). This the Servants' Agency ? 
We want a lady's-maid. French. Send one right 
away. 441 Smith Street. Mrs. Green is the name. 
Certainly. I'll mail you a check to-night. Good-bye. 
{Hangs up receive^-) 

Flossie. Lotta ! How did you dare do that 1 

Mollie. She knows well enough nobody'll come. 

Lotta {aside). That Mollie is a sharp one. 

Flossie. And why not, pray ? Miss Ayres and I 
know what we we're about. No doubt a maid will 
come directly. 

Mollie. Well, maybe a first-class French maid has 
already started around here on a run, {goifig, with 
laughter) but nothing like that ever happened to 
mother I {Exit as if to hang up hat elsewhere) 

Flossie {a little worried). Lotta — Say! What if 
mother doesn't want to send a check ? 

Lotta. In that case you can offer to pay it out of 
your next allowance, and then she cannot possibly 
object. You're not a mere child, you know, Flossie. 
But really she ought to be delighted. 

Mollie {calling without). Girls! I'm going to 
bring you something nice ! 

Lotta. Dear, let's run away from her ! 

Flossie. Good! Let's! {They snatch hats and 
door-key and run out.) 

Mollie {entering, smiling, and holdi?ig out ginger 
snaps). Some ginger-snaps I found ! Oh ! Where 
are you .? Hats gone ! {runs and looks out of the door) 
The mean things ! {returning) They've run away 
from me. I don't care, I'm glad of it. It's time 



20 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

LoTTA went home anyway, (sits) And I hope Flossie 
stays out until the man brings the phonograph back. 
He said the insides were only a little bent, and he'd 
be sure to have it back here all right before five o'clock 
{sighs). Ho-hum ! I suppose now I can have my usual 
gay time all alone, (Begins to eat gi7iger-snaps gloomily) 
If I could only find some way to get even ! How 
mean to run away from me, — and I was just bringing 
them something nice, {begins to cry). Oh ! {crying, 
eatifig and talkifig all at once., wiping eyes and filli?ig 
mouth alternately) They treat me like a doo-og ! 'n 
call me a m-me-re ch-child ! My own sis-sister too-oo-o I 
{here by mistake., tries to wipe eyes with gi^iger-snap and 
take a bite of handkerchief. Suddenly stops cryi?ig, puts 
her hands down and looks from o?ie to other. Bell rings.) 
Huh ? {Looking toward door, puts last bit in mouth, 
shakes crumbs from lap, goes to door and admits Mary 
Ann French with bag.) 

Mary Ann. Good day, Miss. Was you wanting a 
girl here ? 

MoLLiE {staring). Are you a French girl ? 

Mary Ann. Yes, Miss. 

MoLLiE. Good gracious ! 

Mary Ann. Mum ? 

MoLLiE. My stars ! 

Mary Ann. It looks like I don't understand yer 
good. 

MoLLiE.. Did you run all the way from the 
Agency ? 

Mary Ann. Agency ! I ain't come from no 
Agency. I seen your ad in the paper 

MoLLiE. And how did you happen to be a French 
girl? 

Mary Ann. What else would I be ? My father's 
name was Peter French, and I am named Mary Ann 
French. What I Was you takin' me for a furriner ? 
Lord bless you, no. I was born in Schoharie 
County. 

MoLLiE. Oh, I see. You came in answer to the ad 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 21 

in the paper, and you have nothing to do with the 
Agency, and your name happens to be Mary Ann 
French. (Mary Ann nods or shakes head to each itevi) 
Yes, yes. But your name gives me an idea. My 
sister wants a real French maid. Couldn't you pre- 
tend to be a Frenchwoman for a while ? It's just for 
a little joke. I'll give you — {slips her ?no7iey) — will 
you ? 

Mary Ann {looking at money). But — but how could 
I ? The first word out of me mouth, they'd know I 
was from the up state. 

MoLLiE. Don't speak at all. Make believe you 
can speak no English. We'll make signs to you, and 
if necessary when no one is looking, I can give you a 
word in your ear. 

Mary Ann. I dunno could I get away wid it ? 

MoLLiE. To be sure you can. The only one around 
here that knows any French has just gone home. Stay 1 
What am I saying ? 1 speak French myself. Say this, 
Mary Ann, Bun jower. 

Mary Ann {staring). Huh ? 

MoLLiE {statnping). Say, Bun jower. 

Mary Ann. B-b-bun jaw. 

yioYAA'E. {laughing and clapping). Great! Have you 
a fancy apron ? 

Mary Ann {kneeling and opening hag). Here's me 
best, mum. {pulls out aprofi) 

MoLLiE. Good 1 Put it on. And you ought to have 
a lace cap. Here ! {gets lace handkerchief from side- 
table) Have a " mouchoir." {laughs) Take off 
your hat ! 

Mary Ann {removing hat). Jinks 1 Ain't I ilegant 1 
{still kneelifig as Mollie pins lace handkerchief on her 
head, plaiting it to look like a cap) 

Mollie {glancing at side-table, with sudden shout). 
Oh ! Mary Ann, take off your shoes 1 

Mary Ann {looking up as she squats by her bag). 
Wot, mum ? 

Mollie {with a quick push that makes M-X-ry Ann sit 



22 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH, 

on tJie floor). Off with 3^0111- shoes! Quick! {Runs 
to side-table and gets slippers) 

Mary Ann {eyes big with a/a/yn). I bet it's a 'sylum 
I'm in ! {quickly starts toward street door crawling on 
hands and knees.) 

MoLLiE. Wait I Hold still I {catches her by the 
heel and shoe comes off. Molije measures a slipper ivith 
Mary x\nn's clnmsy tie.) Just your size ! Put these 
on, Mary Ann. See ? French slippers for the French 
maid. 

Mary Ann {taking slipper in hana). Wot! This? 

yioiAA^ {ijjipatiently). Put them on ! Quick! 

Mary Ann {obeying unwillingly). I'll try to please 
yer, mum, but me Trilbys is number seven, mum, 
\tugging) ow ! 

Mollie. Squeeze, Mary Ann 1 Squeeze ! 

Mary Ann {tugging). Uh ! uh 1 uh ! I'm kilt, 
mum. 

Mollie. You have to make sacrifices to be up in 
Society, Mary Ann. {laughs) Get up now, Marie 
Antoinette de Vere de Vere ! {Fulls her up). Now, 
Flossie Green, I'll have my revenge ! {Bell rings.) 
There's the bell ! {Puts shoes and hat in bag and con- 
ceals under table. Mary Ann looks from side to side as 
if scared) Don't stick out your elbows like that. 
There. So. That's it. Now answer the bell. Don't 
stump so. Walk more airily. {Shows her hoiv) So. 
Trip I (Mary Ann trips up and nearly falls) 

Mary Ann. Boo-hoo ! I won't wear them things 
another minute ! {going) 

Mollie {intercepting and turning her around). Sh I 
Behave ! You're all right ! I'll give you double if you 
carry it through. {Bell ri7igs again) Goon. Answer 
the bell. And remember you cannot speak a word of 
English ! (Mollie retires to backgrou7id. Mary Ann 
opens door, admitting Gladys and Pauline 7vith pack- 
ages) 

Gladys. Is Miss Flossie at home ? (Mary Ann 
curtseys awkwardly) 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 23 

Pauline, Tell her it's a surprise party. {TJiey set 
down packages on the table, conspicuous among them a 
molasses jug) 

MoLLiE {^coming forward). Good afternoon, Gladys. 
Good afternoon, Pauline. Flossie is not home yet, but 
she may come in any minute. Hark, I hear the door- 
key now. 

{E?iter Flossie.) 

Flossie. What ! Gladys and Pauline 1 

Gladys and Pauline. Happy birthday, Flossie. 
How many is it ? ( With laughter they start to give her 
playful blows) One — tw^o — three — four^ — {etc. laughiiig, 
turfis about to defend herself a?id sees Mary Ann) 

Flossie. Who's this 1 

Mollie. Your French maid, Flossie. She just 
came. She's French. You must excuse her for not 
answering you, girls. It is a drawback to have a maid 
who does not understand a word of English. But you 
see Flossie set her heart on having a real French maid, 
telephoned to an Agency to send one right around, and 
Marie Antoinette {waving hand toward Mary Ann) 
came, you see. 

Flossie {tvith Joy). Really ? Now, Mollie Green I 
You said nobody 'd come. I wasn't so foolish, after 
all. Oh, what a pity Lotta went home 1 Marie An- 
toinette, did you say ? That's too long. I'll call her 
Antoinette, (ifi g7'a?id itianner as in beginnifig of play) 
Antoinette ! Bun jower ! (Mary Ann stares stupidly) 
Bun jower, Antoinette ! 

Mary Ann {poked by Mollie) Er — er — bun jaw, 
mum. (Flossie clasps hands and rolls eyes upward in 
ecstasy) 

Pauline. Think of it! Just over from France I 
So interesting ! 

Gladys. But how can you give her orders if you 
know no French ? 

Flossie. And how did you find out all about her if 
she knows no English } 



24 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

MoLLiE. Oh, it's perfectly wonderful how she can 
express herself in gestures ! 

Pauline {niore and more interested). Oh yes 1 .1 
have just studied Professor de Profundo's work in four 
volumes on the science of Gesticulology ; and he says 
the French are especially noted for expressive gesticu- 
lation, especially with the hands and countenance. 
Here is a chance for me to observe ! How fortunate 
I brought my note-book 1 {getting it out) 

Gladys. Pauline goes nowhere without her note- 
book ! 

Flossie. How interesting this is! I'll try her. 
Antoinette ! {man?ier- as be/ore) What — is — in — that 
— jug! {speaking loudlywith great distinctfiess as if to a 
deaf person, and poijiting to the jug. Mary Ann looks 
nervously at Mollie. Mollie behind the rest, quickly, 
points to her nose, the jug, and Flossie. Mary Ann 
uncorks jug and presents it to Flossie's nose) 

Flossie. Molasses ! 

All. How clever ! (Pauline makes a note) 

Gladys. We brought that, Flossie, for a candy-pull. 
We are a surprise party of two, for your birthday, and 
we thought a candy-pull would be more fun than games 
with such a small party. 

Flossie. Great ! What fun 1 Did you bring a chaf- 
ing dish ? {holding up parcel the shape of which is un- 
mistakable) 

Gladys {undoing parcels afid setting things in readi- 
ness on table) Yes, we have brought everything. 

Pauline {examining table). We have brought every- 
thing but a spoon. 

Gladys. Oh yes ! We need a spoon. 

Flossie. I'll get you one. (grand manner) Antoi- 
nette 1 Bring — me — a — spoon. {Motion of stirring. 
Mary Ann nods but poifits inquiringly at kitchen door) 

Mollie. She understands spoon all right, but she 
does not yet know where we keep them. I'll go with 
her and show her. Exit Mollie and Mary Ann. 
Gladys pretends to light chafing-dish and make taffy) 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 25 

Note: if she has concealed in her pans some pieces of 
taffy already made, and two soft lumps ready for 
pullingy it will not be necessary to actually cook. 
Pauline examines books that lie about.) 

Flossie. Girls, will you excuse me, if I 'phone ? 
{goes to telephojie) Give me Main 1375. {to the girls) 
1 just have to get my chum to come around here {At 
'phone) Hello, Lotta ! Oh, say, something lovely has 
happened and I want you to come right over. Do, 
just for a little while. No, I won't tell you. You'll 
be so surprised. Good. Come as quick as you can. 
{Hangs up) You'll like Miss Ayres, girls. She's lovely. 
A.nd 1 want her to see my French maid. 

Gladys. Oh, we'll need some water to try the taffy 
in. I wish I had told Mollie. 

Pauline. See here what I have found. A French 
lesson book with a dictionary in the back. Just the 
thing for you, Flossie, with Antoinette. You can find 
out the French for anything you want to tell her. 

Gladys. Look up the French word for water, girls. 
{They look). 

Pauline. Water. Here it is. The French for 
water is {spelling) e-a-u, ee-ow (Mary Ann enters and 
gives spoon to Gladys) 

Flossie {becko?iing imperiously). Antoinette ! {ex- 
aggerating 7novements of mouth) Ee-ow ! Ee-ow 1 
(Mary Ann stares) 

All {loudly, nodding at Mary Ann). Ee-ow ! Ee-ow 1 

Mollie {aside, peeping f?'om kitchen door). St ! 
{beckons miperceived by all butMh^Y Ann. Mary Ann 
quickly goes out and returns bringing a cat, meowing. 
If necessary., some one behind the scenes can meow for the 
cat on the stage. Sensation) 

Mollie {entering ifinocently). Why, Flossie ! what 
made you send your maid for the cat? 

Flossie {with dignity). 'Twas a natural mistake. 
The French for water resembles the meow of a cat. 
(Mollie snickers). I see nothing to laugh at. 



26 ^^'HE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONAGllAPH. 

Pauline {who has been examining French book). 
These French lessons appear to require the use of a 
phonograph. 

Flossie {eagerly). Oh yes, and I have the phono- 
graph here. I got it for my birthday. {Going toward 
cupboard) 

MoLLiE {jumping to intercept her). Flossie ! Don't 
get it out now. 

Flossie. Why not ? 

MoLLiE. There's no room for it on the table while 
Gladys is making taffy there. It would be in her way. 

Gladys. Oh yes — Don't interfere with the taffy. 
It's boiling now. Hurry up with some water, Mollie. 

Mollie. I will. {Aside ^ looking at clock) I had for- 
gotten all about that plaguey phonograph. The man 
may bring it any minute now. {Aloud) Come, Mary 
Ann. 

Flossie (surpised). Mary Ann ! 

Mollie. I mean — I mean Mary Ann--toinette, of 
course. 

{Exit, taking Mary Ann and cat, as bell rings. 

Flossie goes eagerly to door and admits Lotta.) 

LoTTA {seeijig the girls). Oh, a party! Charmant 1 
is this the surprise ? 

Flossie. No, no. Just some friends who dropped 
in to make taffy. Let me introduce them. This is 
Gladys. This Pauline. Girls, this is my most intimate 
friend, Miss Lotta Ayres. {They bow.) 

Gladys. Like taffy. Miss Ayres ? 

Lotta. No, thank you. Ever since I've been to 
Paris, I take only bonbons. 

Gladys {stirring and pretending to sniff the steam). 
Ah, but you never get such a nice .smell from bonbons. 

Lotta. Oh, c'est drole. Un bon mot, mon ami ! 
{Laughs) 

Pauline. Miss Ayres ! Do you speak French ? 

Flossie. Indeed she does. She's been taken for a 
Parisienne. 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PNONOGRAPH. 27 

LoTTA. Naughty child ! You should not tell that. 

Gladys. My 1 You must be smart. None of us 
know a word of French. 

LoTTA. Ma foi 1 I suppose of course you did. 
Pardonnez-moi. It was thoughtless of me, but you 
see, moving in the society I do, I am accustomed to 
speak it half the time. 

Pauline (eagerly). Oh, then, will you do some- 
thing for me ? I want some information for my next 
essay. Oh, I'll be so obliged to you! My subject is 
" Economic Conditions as They Affect the Lower 
Classes of Europe, Asia, and Africa." 

LoTTA {suppressing a yawn). Indeed ! (Mary 
Ann enters taking cup of ivater to Gladys.) 

Gladys. Ah, the waiter ! Good! {Tries syrup by 
dropping it from spoon into cup held by Mary Ann). 

Pauline. And Flossie's maid here has just come 
over from France and doesn't speak a word of English. 

(LoTTA sits e7ect and gives a startled look at Mary 

Ann.) 

Flossie {beamingly). This is the surprise, Lotta. 
She came from the Agency. A real French maid, see ? 
(LoTTA looks f 7-0 m side to side as if seeking escape). 

Mollie {Entering. Aside). Lotta here ! 

Pauline. What I would ask is this, Miss Ayres. 
Will you act as interpreter while I put some questions 
to this French girl 1 

LoTTA. So sorry. Must be going, {making for 
hat rack). 

Mollie {seizing Mary Ann. Aside). Go down 
cellar. Quick I Pauline darts across to stop Mary 
Ann, and Flossie to stop Lotta. 

Pauline. Stop, Mollie, please. 

Flossie. Don't go now, Lotta. 

Pauline. Don't send the maid aw^iy, now. 

Flossie. You must wait a few minutes. 

Pauline. Just wait till I find my note-book ! {lead- 
ing Mary K-iii^ forward.) 



28 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

Flossie. Oh yes, Pauline, Miss Ayres, is just the 
one. {leading Lotta forward) I'll help you find 
your note-book {helps Pauline search. Aside) Oh, 
yes, Miss Ayres is really a wonderful linguist — m-in. 
{goes on in a murmur). 

Mary Ann {aside to Mollie. Twisting her apron 
in distress). What'U I do, mum ? 

Mollie {aside to Mary Ann). Sh 1 Make up 
anything. Of course it'll all come out now, but keep 
it up as long as you can. I'll try and give Lotta a 
hint — {Makes stealthy detour to get roiuid behind I^ott a). 

Pauline. Where did I put that note-book. Gladys, 
did you see ? (Gladys looks). 

Lotta (aside), I suppose it's all coming out now, 
but I'll keep it up as long as I can. {looks at Mary 
Ann) Maybe I can hush her up. I've got my twenty 
cents. {Makes furtive approach to Mary Ann who 
shrinks away fearfnlly. Mollie is following up Lotta, 
Lotta plucks Mary Ann by the sleeve) St I {gives 
Mary Ann money) Sh ! {winks and nods at Mary 
Ann). 

Mollie {plucking Lotta's skirt in similar 7nanner) 
St ! {taps finger on lips) Sh 1 ( JVinks and nods at 
Lotta and moves away, returning to the side of Mary 
Ann). 

Lotta {aside. 7nuch puzzled). What on earth 

Pauline. Ah, here it is ! {conwig forward and 
opening fiot e-book). 

Flossie {comi?ig to the side of I^ott a). Now you'll 
see how Miss Ayres can talk French. 

Pauline What I would ask first is — What are 
the peculiar customs of French peasants in general 
which reveal their economic standards of living ? 

Mary Ann (aside). Hivins 1 

Lotta (aside). Oh ! Lotta and Mary Ann edge 
aivay from each other, but are prevented by Flossie and 
Mollie). 

Flossie (enthusiastically). Go on, Lotta. Go 
on ! (Mollie in dumb show encourages Mary Ann). 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 29 

LoTTA {as if questionmg Mary Ann). Bon jour. 
Pas de tout. Parle vous Fran9ais. C'est drole. 

Mary Ann {tremblings 7iudged by M.o\aiy}). Jingle, 
jingle, chinka chanka, mum. 

Lotta. Ah ! She says that in France the lower 
classes live entirely on French rolls. 

All {f-xchangijig interested looks). How interest- 
ing ! Did you ever ! Well, well ! etc. (Lotta fa7is 
with her handkerchief and ^Ik^x Ann wipes her brow 
with the back of her hand). 

Pauline {scribbling with enthusiasm). And will 
you ask her, please, what they wear for clothing ? 

Lotta {as before). Cherie, mon ami, mademoiselle, 
monsieur, madam. 

Mary x\nn. Polly wolly diddle tralalala. 

Pauline {ecstatically clasping hands). How 
musical French is ! 

Mary Ann {cofitinuing breathlessly). Iggle Aggie 
ibble obble. 

Gladys. Sounds to me like a turkey. 

Lotta. She says the poorer classes go about 
clothed entirely in old fashion-papers. 

All {as before). Is it possible ? How interesting ! 
etc. (Mollie suppresses laughter). 

Lotta {aside). I can't keep this up. I've said all 
the French words I know. 

Pauline {scribbling). Can she give any details of 
the upper classes. Miss Ayres ? 

Lotta. I'll ask her. {To Mary Ann) Cafe, demi- 
tasse, Alphonse, Gaston, Paree. 

Mary Ann. Doodle do — — 

Lotta {suddenly putting her hand over Mary Ann's 
mouth) Oh! Sh ! (laughs) 

All. What is it ? 

Lotta {simperi?ig). Why, she says if you want to 
see a specimen of the bon ton — to look at me {shaking 
her shoulders airishly). I just won't talk to her any 
more. {All laugh but Pauline, who looks earnestly at 
Lotta and then makes notes) 



30 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PNONOGRAPH. 

Pauline. I hope you don't mind my studying you, 
Miss Ayres ? 

LoTTA. Not at all. Miss Pauline. Tm used to 
attention. 

Gladys. Ha ! The taffy is cool enough to pull ! 
(Flossie, Gladys and Pauline go to the table. Mary 
i\.NN stands in corfter) 

Mary Ann {Jingling her money). How musical me 
French is! {Snickers aside. M^oiaay. makes fo7'Y,OTT.K. 
LoTTA makes for Mollie. They grip hajids as if with 
gratitude, u7iobse7'ved by the others^ 

Mollie {aside to Lotta). You're all right, Lotta. 
You wouldn't spoil sport. 

Lotta {aside to Mollie). 1 don't know how you 
managed it but I'm ever so much obliged to you. 

( They separate a few steps then pause and cast puzzled 
looks at each other. Gladys and Pauline come 
forward each with a lump of taffy ready for pulling. 
Flossie remains at table stacking parts, etc.) 

Gladys. Pull with me, Mollie ? 

Mollie. To be sure. {They pull) 

Pauline. Will you pull with me, Miss Ayres? 

Lotta. With pleasure. {They pull. All fotir laugh 
and talk as they pull saying, *' Ouch, it's sticky ! " '* Yum, 
yum." " Going to be fine,'' etc. Mrs. Green enters 
unnoticed) 

Flossie {grand mafiner) Antoinette I (Mary Ann 
curtseys). Re - move — these — pans. {Fointi?ig. Mary 
Ann picks up some of the things.) Antoinette ! Here 
— are — more 1 {Pointing to other things.) Antoinette I 
These — al — so 1 {Again as before. Mary Ann gathers 
too big a pile and drops it. All jump. Mary Ann flops 
on her knees to gather up the pajis. Mrs. Green comes 
forward.) 

Mrs. Green. Who in the world is this ? (Mary 
Ann listens anxiously) 

Flossie. This is my new French maid, mother. 
Real French. She can't speak a word of English. I 



» 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. :]i 

hope you won't mind. Lotta says it gives a tone to 
the house. 

Mrs. Green. We don't want a lady's-maid. We 
want a cook. Where did she come from .'' 

Lotta (s/ie /eaves off taffy pulling. Pauline pulls 
alone). Dear Mrs. Green, 1 got her. I telephoned to 
the Servants' Agency for you. 

Flossie. Lotta said you would send a check for the 
Agent's fee, but if you object, I'll pay it myself from 
my next month's allowance. 

Mrs. Green {frowning). Miss Ayres, did you 
actually telephone to the Agency to send me a maid 
and tell them I'd pay for it ? 

Lotta. Yes, Mrs. Green, we did it to please 
you 

Mrs. Green. And do you mean to say, Flossie 
Green, that you have engaged this useless French girl 
without consulting me? 

Flossie. Yes'm, but 

Mrs. Green. Well of all the bold, meddlesome — 
Miss Ayres, your conduct is inexcusable. And, Flossie, 
to punish you, I will take back my promise about the 
phonograph. I shall not buy it. 

Flossie. Oh, mother ! 

Lotta (startled). Mrs. Green 

Mrs. Green. Not another word 1 Flossie, get out 
that phonograph and pack it up. It's five o'clock now 
and the woman will be here to take it away. {During 
this dialogue, Gladys and Pauline take taffy to table 
a?id cut it up) 

Mollie (aside). Oh, w'here is the man from the 
repair shop ! (Flossie is getting the key behind the clock) 

Mrs. Green. Come, Flossie ! Be quick ! {Bell 
rings) 

Mollie {aside). I hope that's the man. (Mary 
Ann admits Madame Renard. Lotta looks about 
desperately) 

Madam Renard. Bon jour, mesdames. {To Mrs. 
Green) You buy ze phonograph ? {smilingly) 



32 THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

Mrs. Green. I have decided not to take it. {To 
Flossie) Get it right out. (Flossie stands with hand 
on the lock, looking pleadingly at her mother, reluctant to 
open) 

Madam Renard. Not buy ze phonograph ? {Frowns 
and shakes finger at Lotta, unobserved) 

LoTTA {desperately). Oh, Mrs. Green! think— oh, 
reconsider before it is too late ! ( Mrs. Green makes 
gesture of rejection^ 

Mrs. Green {sharply^. Flossie ! (Flossie opens 
cupboard) 

Flossie. It's gone ! 

Kw. {amazed). Gone! 

Flossie. I locked the phonograph in here, and now 
it's gone 1 

Madam Renard {to Flossie). My phonograph 1 
Give me. 

Flossie. I can't. Some one has stolen it. 

Madam Renard {to Lotta). My phonograph ! 
Give me. 

Lotta. /don't know anything about it. 

Flossie. We can't give you your phonograph if we 
haven't got it. 

Madam Renard {loudly, in rage). Je suis vole. 
Donnez-moi ce qui est a moi 1 Je veux mon bien. 

Mrs. Green. Hush, woman ! I won't have a dis- 
turbance. 

Madam Renard {ivhile Mrs. Green tries in vain to 
hush her). Je suis vole. II me faut ma propriete. 

Pauline {pointing to Mary Ann). Maybe her coun- 
try-woman can pacify her. 

Flossie. Oh, yes! {manner as before) Antoinette! 
Pacify her 1 {motion of patting shoulder soothingly, and 
then pointing to Madam Renard. Madam Renard 
takes atttention of all by angry muttering. Mary Ann 
nods and starts to go to her. Mollie holds her back) 

Mollie {aside to Mary Ann). No, no I 

Mary Ann {aside to Mollie). Leave me go. I 
can do it. I'll make it up the way I did before. The 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH, ij;^ 

other one give me twenty cents for it. Sure French 
is easy. 

Flossie {repeats as before). Pacify her, Anioinette ! 

Madam Renard. La phonograph ! Je suis vole ! 

Mary Ann {breaks from Mollie, conies to the side 
^ Madam Renard, and pats her shoulder) Iggle aggie 
ibble obble. 

Madam Renard {gesture of rage). Donnez-nioi ce 
qui m'appartient ! 

Mary Ann {gesture of smoothing her down). Polly 
wolly wolly doodle. 

Pauline. See how they gesticulate ? {makes notes) 

Madam Renard {with increasing rage). Pourquoi 
dites-vous des choses insensees ? 

Mary Ann {i?i soothifig tone). Doodledy hickory 
dickory. 

Pauline. So characteristic of the French ! So 
Gallic ! {writes) 

Madam Renard. Comment osez-vous ? C'est une 
insulte 1 

Mary Ann {trying to pat her shoulder). Chin-cliop- 
per, chin, chop — 

Madam Renard {shrieking) A — a — ah ! 1 am 
insult! {shaking fist in Lotta's /^^-f) You steal my 
phonograph and make ze game of me. A — a— ah ! 1 
tell! 

LoTTA (7£'/A//)'). Sh ! Oh, please ! — 

Madam Renard {pointing to Lotta). She- -liar! 
To Paris — she ? Non ! She nevaire been there. She 
work in shop all summer. She speak ze French ? 
Bah ! She know^ only two, t'ree words. She promise 
to persuade you buy my phonograph. I promise not 
to tell on her. She cheat me. Now 7 tel/ f (Sensation) 

Lotta {weepiiig). I'll never hold up my head again. 

Flossie {horror-struck). It's true, then ! Lotta 
Ayres ! 

Madam Renard {pointing to Flossie). As for 
you — who have my phonograph hid — I have you 
arrest ! 



34 THE FRENCJH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 

MoLLiE {romini^ fonvard). Slie hasn't got your 
phonograph. 1 know where it is. 

All. You ! 

MoLLiE. Yes. 1 broke it, but only sHghtly, and I 
didn't want to tell you, Flossie, so 1 took it to be 
repaired. The man said he would surely have it back 
here all mended in an hour. {Bel/ rings) Maybe 
that's it now. (Mary Ann goes to door, brings in 
phonograpJi and stands holding it) 

Madam Renard. Ha ! Mon bien ! Let me try 
him. {Starts it with a click) 

Phonograph. Good day, bon jour! (Mary Ann 
screeches in terror, almost dropping pho7iograph. Madam 
Renard snatches it from her. Mary Ann sobs.) 

Madam Renard {to Mary Ann, furiously). As for 
you who make a mock at me — you diable— you hus.sy^ — 

Flossie. Pardon me, Madame Renard. This girl 
does not understand a word of English. 

Mary Ann {wildly). A — ah — don't 1 though ? \'ou 
rascally French woman, say one word more and I'll 
break every bone in yer body- Clear out now wid yer 
divil in a box. G'wan ! Take a skip to yerself ! {As 
Madame Renard is drii'cn out glaring, the phonograph 
clicks. ) 

Phonograph. Good night, bonne nuit. {Door 
closes behind Madam Renard. Mary Ann loith ivavifig 
fists would follow^ but is pulled back by Mollie) 

Mollie. Mother, this is Mary Ann, an American 
cook, who came to answer our ad'xw the paper. 1 made 
her pretend to be French just for a joke on Flossie. 

Mrs. Green {breukitig into a laugh). Well, well ! 
Mary Ann, if you wish to keep your place, take an 
order in English now and {conducts her to kitchen door 
and gives her some direction in her ear. Mary Ann 
nods her head and goes out. (tLadys passes the taffy to 
Mollie) 

Mollie (/«/^/>/^ <7 piece). Moving in the society 1 
do, I never refuse taffy. 

Gladys {taki?ig a piece). Ever since I've been to 



THE FRENCH MAID AND THE PHONOGRAPH. 05 

Paris, 1 think bonbons are not in it. {Pauline is 
tearing pages from her note-book into tiny pieees. Lotia 
is weeping at o?ie side) 

Mrs. Green (kindly putting her hand on Lotta's 
head). Poor little Lotta ! J guess you've had a 
lesson. We can forgive your folly, because after all 
you are a mere child. 

Lotta {catching at the excuse). That's it, Airs. 
Green. 1 am a mere child. 

Flossie. Mollie, dear, I guess 1 am a mere child, 
too. ( 21iey embrace) 

Mrs. Green. Flossie, you still have your birthday 
wish to make. 

Flossie. I know now what to wish for. ( Calling 
aloud in same manner as before but ivit/i laughing face) 
Antoinette — a — birth — day — cake ! (Mary Ann enters, 
grinnifig and bringing a cake with lighted candles) 

All {clapping hands). Ah ! 



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